“The unknowing used to scare me. Now, understanding my partner gives me peace. This is how she operates and it’s not about me. This is what she needs to do. When she wants to run, she is running from her emotions – not rejecting me. Knowing this helps me to stay centered in myself.”
Relationship
Every relationship is made of individuals, so when one person in a relationship changes, the effects reverberate through the whole relationship. In this way soul work is the most effective way to change your life and affect the world.
The true practice arena for personal growth is relationship. Here we apply the understandings and tools we learn to the art of living. Being here, now, with other -effectively engaging – makes possible the path to successful relationship and shared happiness.
Transpersonal Counseling recognizes the inherent complexity and beauty of every relationship and engages you where you are. Relational soul work moves in grounded, practical ways while including the truth and power of love, all held within a family systems framework. The focus is to teach you useful tools that you can use to navigate the relating process, and to provide you with support and guidance to learn how to use these tools effectively.
Together, we incorporate somatic healing, address issues of safety, the de-escalation of anger, and time-out agreements. Learning to deal well with conflict involves de-tangling negative physical and energetic patterns by establishing clear boundaries and solid agreements to redirect the relational energy pattern in the moment.
Relationship moves in every direction – backward through the ancestors and historical events; forward through offspring of body, and heart-mind visionary and creative impulses; and side to side with siblings, cousins, friends and the living world around us.
“Your insights changed our relationship!”
Exploring the Enneagram of Personality can help you better understand your personality patterns, as well as others, and can be useful whether known by one person or both people in a relationship.
Understanding breathes space into relationship dynamics, cultivates compassion, and helps us move with less reactivity when challenged. Enneagram knowledge - skillfully applied - strengthens the relating field, clarifies issues and supports authentic relating.
Safety, better communication, understanding and the ability to resolve past issues opens trust in the process which invites love in. Love works wonders.
Our heart’s desire for healthy relationship is a genuine soul impulse and effective relating is essential to experience the nourishment of love and emotional connection with others. Transpersonal Integration Counseling aspires to meet this soul wish through counseling, education and coaching in relationships of all kinds.
Relationships are the practice ground for soul embodiment. I once had a client come in very excited to understand the idea of conscious and unconscious parts of psyche. He asked, “So how do we make what is unconscious conscious if it is actually unconscious?” My immediate reply was to chuckle and say, “That’s easy, engage relationship and pay attention.” For in truth, the depth of love within powerful relationship will surface our tender, vulnerable places of attachment wounding from childhood, and often reveal deep longings for love and closeness, and huge fears of being abandoned.
Triggers hide in defensive patterns designed to keep feelings at bay. So the emotional ground of powerful relationship can be a combination of huge love wishes and confusing push-pull dynamics, especially in early stages of intimate relationship. In long term committed relationships, patterns of defense tend to be more entrenched and often need courage, attention, and patience to unravel.
Relationship knowledge and tools for conscious relating provide hugely valuable support for unfolding what is possible within any relationship. In soul work, you learn and practice how to communicate effectively; how to deal with conflict; how to detangle negative physical and energetic patterns; and how to establish clear boundaries and solid agreements that redirect energy in the moment. Practice is key.
To heal relationships, we address individual histories and triggers related to childhood trauma. You learn to communicate in new ways, letting go of blame, demand and judgment instead focusing on forming “I” statements that express your own experience – what you think, feel, want and need. With a clear understanding of the communication process itself, you practice communication skills with coaching support, to talk through issues in a safe atmosphere of mutual respect, accountability, and compassion. Clearing past issues allows greater freedom to enjoy one another now.
It is also hugely helpful to define a relationship vision of what each person wants to experience in the big arena of relationship possibility. You discover what already works and affirm the good, and discover what is missing or out of alignment. The process moves forward as we address unmet needs, de-tangle dysfunctional patterns and create a shared vision of what you both would love to experience. Your shared vision reminds you to freely practice living and loving in daily ways.
All these tools establish practical guidelines and practices for greater happiness in relating, with a focus on what works. As you integrate and grow, soul work becomes soul play and you share and celebrate to create the life you would love to live. Embracing change, you move with greater heart-felt purpose, grounded in inner peace, and open to the wider world. Resonance and enjoyment draw relationships of like mind and heart with others. Walking ever more lightly, you move along a journey whose end is the living moment of Love’s Mystery now.